The past six months have been some of the most challenging of my life. But unlike previous life-falling-apart moments where I bucked up and plodded forward, not actually dealing with the deep-down hurts and fears, this year I have allowed myself to intensely feel every kernel of despair and every pang of loss. Sounds terrible, right? It absolutely wasn't.
Every terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad thing that has happened to me this year has come with a gigantic lesson. Lessons that have been offered up before in my life, but that I didn't fully internalize, let alone allow to transform my thinking or behavior. THIS break up allowed me to realize that I deserve to be cherished for who I am and stop feeling like I am not enough. THIS family illness allowed me to realize that fear and love can coexist. THIS loss (my baby Nico) allowed me to truly appreciate how much comfort she gave me and to let go gracefully when she was ready. And, now, facing another feline illness, I am learning to leave space for uncertainty. Similar to the lesson with my Meme, someone can be very sick and not immediately be ripped from your world.
A couple of weeks ago, I made a list of goals for 2017. I want to enter it with hope and motivation to bring out my best self and appreciate the miracles around me. One of those goals was: LOVE HARD. Another was: SURRENDER. I'm not yet sure how I do both. Loving hard means getting attached. I am well versed in attachment; I struggle with the letting go. I know that balancing these two things is a practice. Each time I am faced with the opportunity to love or the need to let go, I will have to allow the circumstances and my heart to find that balance. Which leads to another of my goals: TRUST.
I've never been great at this one; I have good reason not to be. But allowing past hurts to make me fearful that everyone I love will leave or that I will never find joy is not exactly helpful. I've done that for 41 years and it's just ushered in more disappointment and missed opportunities. So, at the end of the year that tried to kill me, I am going to take a different approach. I am going to thank it.
Thank you, 2016, for pushing me to my limit. For helping me to face my biggest fears. For teaching me how to feel again. For reminding me that no matter how bad the loss hurts, love is always worth it. Always.
Now get the F out of the way so I can party with 2017.
No comments:
Post a Comment