On the last day of 2016, I was filled with gratitude
and hope. I had welcomed an adorable, tiny niece into the world two
days before, and felt a warm glow when I thought about all the adorable,
grown people I already have in my life. I was going to sail into 2017
on goodwill and joy.
But, apparently, my
subconscious desire to obliterate the memory of 2016 was too strong.
Several glasses of wine later, I was in a pile on the floor with two of
my lovely lady friends as they consoled my weepy ass.
This is not how it was supposed to go down!
I was supposed to get a fresh start.
I was supposed to get a New Year's kiss (which maybe I did? I don't actually remember...).
Whenever
I fall apart, I reflect. What is the lesson here? How can I take this
embarrassing, painful experience and learn from it? How can I move
forward with grace?
I am constantly in awe of
people who are able to be vulnerable and show their humanity. And, even
though it was alcohol-induced, I suppose that my behavior on New Year's
Eve was just that. I put myself on the line and told someone how I felt.
While, in my imagination, he was supposed to tell me he was madly in
love with me, it didn't go down that way. And that sucked.
It
also triggered the feels that I've been pickled in these past six
months. It was like the last wedge of wood the beaver patted in
with his muddy little tail was just a teensy bit loose. The smallest change
in equilibrium caused the dam to collapse.
So
what did I learn? Well, I learned that I have friends who love and
respect me for my vulnerability. I learned that, even when someone
doesn't reciprocate your feelings, they may appreciate that you speak
your mind. I learned that I was still holding on to more hurt than I
realized. I learned that the only way out is through. And that,
about twice a year, I will drink wine like water and unleash a bunch of
buried feelings.
Life is messy.
And that's what makes it beautiful. I still feel angry and foolish and
embarrassed. But I also know that I'm a human being who sometimes fucks
up. And that maybe those fuck ups are where the best learning happens.
