But at some point the pain that staying put causes starts to overpower the benefits of safety. Over the past five years, I've done a shit ton of reflecting. About why I made the choices I did. About what brings me joy. About what I can and cannot tolerate in my relationships and work environments. About how I can grow and become a Better Version of Me. And still, with all the tiny epiphanies that have built up, I could not seem unstick myself.
One of the things keeping me glued to my desk was loyalty. I have a job. It's a good job. I work with supportive, inspiring people. They keep me grounded when the bureaucracy starts to eat my soul. They needed me, I told myself.
A few weeks ago, one of the people I was most loyal to announced that she was taking a new job on the Left Coast. My initial reaction was not joy for her and the amazing opportunity on her horizon. My initial reaction was: WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? I know and have known for years that this is just a job. And no matter how much I adore the people I work with, it will never be my life's work. So what is my life's work?
I'm still figuring that out. But here's what I do know about what I want it to include:
- Joyful, authentic connections
- Creative solutions (making stuff, writing stuff)
- Exists outside the "system" (F bureaucracy)
- Supporting people/causes I believe in
- Feels effortless, but challenging; secure, yet fluid
- Flexible schedule
- Opportunities for guiding, coaching, nurturing
- Brings financial (and spiritual) abundance
The long and the short of it is that I have to create my life's work. I had been waiting for an A-HA moment where THE THING appeared like a glowing orb descending from the heavens to show me the way. But what if there is no WAY? What if I can take the skills I've picked up on my accidental (but meant-to-be) path and create work that fits my criteria? I know so many women who do this. And I know how hard it will be. But every one of them tells me that it's worth it.
Maybe the answer is that I don't need to know where I'm going. I just need to find ways to connect my brain AND my heart to my work. That could look like ANYTHING. I just have to unstick myself from my desk and start wandering.
