I can only write when I'm feeling inspired

Writing is painful. Any writer will tell you this. It's not necessarily the stringing together of words. Most of us have a knack for that or we wouldn't identify as writers. It's the sitting down. It's carving out the time to stare blankly at the computer screen until inspiration strikes. And often times even after your fingers have danced across the keyboard, making letters into words and words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs. When you look at page of coherent and concise strung-together, grammatically-correct words that would probably earn an A in a freshman-level composition class, and hate every character. Including the negative space between letters.

Just because something is well written doesn't mean it's worth reading. That's just one story I can't stop telling myself. Along with:
It's not worth the effort.
I have to be hit with a bolt of blue.
No one will want to hear what I have to say.
The 30-something woman who isn't really lost but doesn't really know where she's going has been done to death.

In other words: There's nothing special about you, babe.

Somehow the girl who wasn't worth listening to actually listened to herself. About two years ago, I gave up. I turned my back on the boxes full of journals in my closet. The portfolio of press releases and feature articles.The now defunct blog. I became a writer who doesn't write.

I have flashes of inspiration now and then. They generally lead to scrawling some random words on a post-it that I will stuff in my purse and stare blankly (again) at when I find it three months later. I can remember times when the words flowed  -- like the spaceship bitch universe post. Time ceased to exist and my fingers literally danced. Why can't every time be like that? I guess that is asking a bit much of the spaceship bitch. Like expecting every movie you see to be an academy award winner or every turkey sandwich you sink your teeth into to be the best one you will ever eat.

During a bout of depression several years ago, I started chanting the mantra: the more I do, the more I can do. What if I were to apply this to writing? What if every not-worth-reading post led me to the taj mahal of blog posts? Would that make it worth it? Or what if I gave the not-worth-reading posts just as much credit as the amazeballs ones?

I am trying to get on board with the idea that process is progress. And writing is one of the ways I process the world around me. Sometimes the words just need to come out. Whether or not they are inspirational to me or anyone else. I am human and if I don't release my FEEL-ings in a healthy way, they are going to spill out of me at the wrong time onto the wrong person. That I'm going to write boring stuff that no one wants to read is not untrue. But it's also not true that no one will ever want to read what I write.

The creation of this blog is my 180. I am a writer who writes again. It may not always flow...
"But I keep going. Because I have a lot to say. And it feels good to say it."